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Parent to
Parent of New York State
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This page last updated on
June 4, 2008
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When Mars and Venus Share A "Special" AsteroidBy Sandra Peters, Regional Coordinator I feel as though I fell into a foxhole when Emily was born and have spent the last six years fighting my way back home. Now that I have arrived, I find that I have been married for ten years. Who is this guy I share my life with – this man who has traveled the whole route beside me? How could we have traveled all this way together and yet I still feel disconnected? I finally purchased Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus, by John Gray, Ph.D. on audiocassette and was surprised to find that it was pretty good. But what happens when Mars and Venus share asteroids – more specifically, a “special” asteroid? Is a couple more likely to divorce if they have a child with a disability? We have been told yes and we have been told no. We have even heard that having a child with a disability draws the couple closer. The consensus now is that it depends on what the couple brings into the marriage and the state of their marriage before the birth of the child. Marriage and parenting are interesting topics and very difficult to study separately since they are so intertwined. Each individual entering the marriage union brings with them qualities and characteristics formed from combinations of other individuals involved with them throughout their years of growing up. Views on religion and politics are an example of the complex issues of forming a new union. Add the subject of disability with all the societal changes experienced in the last fifty years and it becomes even more difficult to separate the issues at hand. Our personal experience with the combination of marriage, family, and disability has caused me to question, “Now what?” As a young man and woman we planned to get married, have children, buy a house, own a couple vehicles, and each work at jobs we enjoyed. Well, we’ve done all that even with the many unexpected challenges added to the equation. Now what? I posed this question to my dear hubby. His response, “Grow old together……Pay off the mortgage.” My face crumpled. That wasn’t the answer I had hoped for. The truth is, I had been longing to feel “special” – that lovely word usually used in association with our child with a disability. I wanted to feel that in my husband’s eyes, I remain as special as I felt that August day ten years ago. A lot of Dr. Gray’s explanation of Mars and Venus really hit the nail on the head – even when you add a child with special needs to the equation, or maybe I should say especially when! Partnering is hard work. Parenting is hard work. Parenting a child with special needs takes everything to a whole other dimension. Integrate the emotional stages of parenting a child with a disability with the male/female differences Dr. Gray talks about and it becomes clear how marriage can get extremely difficult. Dr. Gray says men value power, competency, and achievement and when faced with a problem they will retreat to their “cave” (the cave of their mind) to mull things over until they come up with a solution. The issue of disability is totally incompatible with all that Dr. Gray attests a man naturally values. We certainly do not feel that we have any power over the disability, in the medical arena, or with “the system”. The disability also threatens competency and achievement. Certainly all of these things are likely to change as the man travels through the different stages but it seems that the emotional stages of parents of children with a disability play directly against Dr. Gray’s description of what is most important to a man. Moreover, Dr. Gray says that women value relationship above anything else. Sharing and communication is what women find most fulfilling and is why, according to Dr. Gray, we just want to “let it out”. Having a child with a disability causes mothers to experience a variety of emotions, some of which are not ones we can easily admit we have--even to ourselves. This is likely to create a dilemma as we struggle with our desire to share with our mates, since this is what we understand intimacy to be, yet fear rejection for having certain emotions. And if we do share with our man, the man’s innate tendency is to think we expect him to “fix” the problem because when men share a problem it is only because they are unable to come up with a solution on their own, teaches Dr. Gray. We must also consider the natural stages of marriage and what part they play in our marital relationship when we are also parents of a child with a disability. What is it suppose to be like after ten years – after you’ve got the house and the kids are in school? From what I have read, all couples experience “you don’t send me flowers anymore”. And this could tie in with the Mars and Venus thing because the man could just be concerned about finances, especially if you have a kid with special needs. It could also be that, as Dr. Gray’s main point reflects, we have forgotten that we are supposed to be different. Flowers mean something to a woman, men don’t understand it because they value power, competency, and achievement – what do flowers have to do with any of that? Although my readings contained different stages of marriage, one consistency is that the first stage is the flower stage, the romance stage. For most couples it is a short stage only lasting a year or so but can be drawn out into several years for some couples. The other consistent point is that the flower stage is followed by the “put the cap back on the toothpaste” stage. The little things begin to annoy each partner and the couple struggles with merging patterns of sleep, housework, holiday celebrations, etc. This is where the stages of marriage get murky--some say there are only three stages of marriage while others go into as many as six stages. But they all state that many marriages end in the disillusionment stage which can last for years with some couples never going beyond it but remaining together. However, if you work together at getting through this stage, you will be greatly rewarded regardless of which theory of stages you follow. So what now? We made it ten years. We made it through medical trauma, adjustments to the disabilities, early childhood, and years of struggling as a one-income household. We may not be on the highway we thought we were gonna be on, but we are on the road again with a full tank of gas. Now what? First I say, take Dr. Gray’s advice and keep reminding ourselves that men and women are supposed to be different. What was it that took control and pulled us together in the first place? I began to just watch my husband – watching TV, cutting wood, repairing the house, pouring a cup of coffee. Of course he was defensive, “What?” he’d ask, expecting that I had a request or complaint. I felt the flirty smile on my lips as I responded, “Nothing. I am just watching you for a minute. You look good to me.” It was a very simple thing, but it had been forever since I had just watched him from that perspective – and it was still there, I just had to remember how to see. I need to work on my “functional vision”. The advice from my readings takes this idea even further and says to work on the friendship. Boy, that hit a chord too -- that’s that lonely feeling I have lingering around. I miss my friend, my best friend. That’s why I have felt “disconnected”; I haven’t spent any time with my best friend in far too long. One article reminds readers how
forgiving we are to our best friends, how much leeway we And, of course, all my research into the challenges of marriage stresses the importance of communication – which brings us back to Mars and Venus. As spouses, as best friends, as parents, as children, as IEP team members, and as volunteer Support Parents, we each need to always work on our communication skills. (I recommend reading, or listening to, Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus – pop the tape in while you’re driving, it’s really pretty painless, and even funny at times!) As parents of children with disabilities or chronic health impairments we have learned to appreciate all the little things. We often chuckle at typical parents who stress out over the most minor details. We feel we are fortunate to have this great appreciation for life and all the wonders it contains. We continue to fight to teach our society members about equality and diversity – about how we need to appreciate differences for the abilities each of us offers one another. The lesson I have learned here is that I need to hold up a mirror and reflect that message back to myself and apply it within my own home—but not because our kid has disabilities. I need to remember that men and women are supposed to be different and appreciate the diverse abilities these differences bless us with. I need to appreciate “Grow old together….Pay off the mortgage.”
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